


Dungeons and All That

by Deifire



Category: Eerie Indiana
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Future Fic, M/M, Stealth Crossover(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2015-11-15
Packaged: 2018-05-01 16:45:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5213330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deifire/pseuds/Deifire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Eerie Tabletop RPG Club attempts another meeting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dungeons and All That

The five members of the Eerie Tabletop RPG Club were sitting in a booth in the World O’ Stuff surrounded by lots and lots of graph paper when Andrea Fantucci walked in. She slid a chair over beside her girlfriend, Mary.

“Still playing?” she whispered.

“Yep,” said Mary C. Carter. “Still don’t want to join us?”

“Still no. No offense, but I can think of better things to be doing on a Friday night besides playing games with math in them. Especially since I’ve got the car tonight. I was hoping you’d be ready to come do some of them with me.” 

“The rock giant hits you,” Janet Donner was saying to Tod McNulty. She rolled a die, and continued “For ten more points of damage.”

“Oh man,” said Tod. “I’m almost dead. Simon, can you heal me?”

“Maybe in the next round,” said Simon Holmes. He studied the paper in front of him, then amended, “As long as I don’t die first.”

“Don’t worry,” Mary said to Andrea. “I’m pretty sure it’s going to be over soon. The evil wizard sent his army of rock giants after us while we were still recovering from the mutant duck attack, and as you can see, we’re not faring particularly well.”

“No, I think it’s going to be okay,” Tod said. “Dash is still standing, and Marshall’s still hidden with a plus seventeen stealth bonus. Between the two of them, they can take out most of the rest of these guys easy.”

Andrea studied the miniature figures on the table. “So which one are you?”

“I’m the half-elf paladin,” Mary said, indicating her figure. “And that one’s Simon’s cleric, that’s Tod’s orc bard, and that’s…”

“Why is one of the characters a piece of toast?”

“Oh, that. That’s Dash. There was a literal backstabbing incident in-game when we were splitting treasure in the lair of the five-headed dragon last week. Followed by an OOC retaliation in which Marshall executed Dash’s miniature by means of the garbage disposal. Which is why we’re not allowed to play this at the Tellers’ anymore.”

“I see,” said Andrea, who knew better than to press for details even before Simon shook his head and mouthed, “Don’t ask.” 

She looked over at Marshall, who was now writing something on a piece of paper he’d covered with his arm. He folded it up when he was finished. “Hand this to the dungeon master,” he said to Simon, who passed the paper to Janet.

Simon shrugged and did.

Janet took it absentmindedly, then finished making a note somewhere behind the screen set up in front of her. “Okay, Marshall.”

“My turn?” Marshall asked.

“Yep,” said Janet. “What do you do?”

“I take the attack action described on that paper.”

Janet unfolded it. Then unfolded it again, and again, and again, and finally read what was written there. 

She scowled. “Goddammit, Marshall!”

Marshall rolled a die. “Yes! Natural thirty-eight!” he shouted when it landed.

Janet sighed. “Dash, you’re hit with—“ she began.

“What?” said Dash X. “Dammit! Did he just do what I think he did?”

“No! Why?” cried Tod.

“C’mon, Tod. You can’t say you didn’t see that coming,” said Simon.

“ _I_ saw it coming,” said Mary.

“I saw it coming and I’m not even playing,” said Andrea.

“You’re dead, X,” Marshall said. “Eldrich crossbow bolt directly to the heart.”

“But we could have defeated them,” said Tod, who sounded close to tears at this point. “All we had to do was work together!”

“I can’t believe this,” Dash muttered.

“Oh, believe it,” said Marshall. “What did you think was going to happen after last week?”

“I told you, I’m chaotic evil! What did you expect me to do?”

“And my character has a code of honor to uphold. What did you expect _me_ to do?”

Janet’s face was now bright red. “Okay, screw it. Dash, you’re dead. Hand in your character sheet. Marshall, you suddenly burst into flames. Spontaneous human combustion. It’s a terrible thing. Hand in _your_ character sheet. And get out.”

“You can’t do that!” said Marshall.

“Oh yes, I can. I am sick of how everything we do always winds up revolving around whatever is going on between the two of you.” 

“But—“

Janet leaned across the table and glared at Marshall. “Do you have any idea how many hours I put into this campaign? I am the dungeon master. It is my world, I created it, and I will burn it to the ground if I have to, so long as it means I don’t have to deal with any more of…this. Now, leave. Both of you. Everyone else, everything in the dungeon is now on fire. Roll for initiative.”

Marshall stood up and put on his coat. “This is all your fault,” he said to Dash.

“My fault?” said Dash. He stood up, then moved until he was face to face with Marshall. “I love how everything that goes wrong in your life gets blamed on me. ‘It’s your fault I couldn’t call home because every pay phone in Eerie has a curse on it, Dash. It’s your fault there’s a hellhound in my high school chemistry lab, Dash. It’s your fault that my bedroom is covered in ectoplasm, Dash...’”

“Yeah, that’s because all of those things? Also your fault.”

“Get! Out!” shouted Janet.

Marshall turned to the youngest player at the table. “Simon?”

Simon shook his head. “I’m staying here to see how this ends. I’ve got a summon holy tsunami spell I think may get the rest of us out of this. If I don’t die first.”

“Fine,” said Marshall. Then to Dash, “You, me, the Secret Spot in five minutes. We’re going to have this out once and for all.”

“Fine!” Dash replied.

As Marshall and Dash left, Andrea could still hear them muttering to each other.

“I’m not the one who broke up with the dungeon master twice, Teller. There’s a reason you’re never allowed to get away with anything in this game.”

“And again, speaking of things that are also your fault.”

“That's not even...”

“And the worst part is, that’s my copy of the game she’s got. If we want to play again, we’re going to have to use the previous 1991-92 edition, and trust me, nobody wants that.”

“It was a stupid game anyway!”

The door to the World O’ Stuff slammed behind them as they left.

“Well, that was mildly entertaining, at least,” said Andrea, after a few moments of silence.

“Yep,” said Mary.

“You realize they’re going somewhere to make out, right?” asked Andrea.

“Speaking of things that are obvious to everyone here but Tod,” her girlfriend replied.

“You realize we could go somewhere to make out.”

Mary considered. “Okay,” she said. “But give me a few more minutes.”

“But—“

“Everything in the dungeon’s on fire. How much longer can it be?”

“Roll for initiative,” said Janet again to the rest of the table.


End file.
